Alone

"From the first days of the war, we were without electricity, gas, internet, and phone signal. After a few days, a terrible wave of cold came, and there was no heating source in the village. Luckily, there was a wood stove in the house, with which we could heat two rooms." The days spent in that village, hiding in the cold cellar whenever explosions were heard, were a nightmare. Tetiana’s little boy had several food allergies, and Tetiana couldn't find anything to feed him. In addition to Tetiana and her family, when the fighting intensified, 10-12 neighbors would come to take shelter because they didn't have cellars. Children improvised toys from whatever they found in the cold, dark cellar. "We didn't have electricity, and we spent most of the time in the dark. We used our phone flashlights in turns to have a light source. I had lost the sense of time. I didn't know what day it was or how many days had passed since we were there. Shortly after, we all got sick due to the cold and dampness in the cellar. We had only one thermometer, and I saw at one point that my son was burning up. He had 39.8, but we didn't have any anti-fever medication to treat him." At this point, Tetiana told me that she had lost hope.

"I had no idea about the situation in the country because we didn't have access to the internet. I received a few messages from acquaintances and learned that some of those who had tried to leave had been killed. That's why we didn't know what to do." A volunteer arrived at their place and told them what they needed to do to safely leave. "He told us that the Russian soldiers at the checkpoints were hungry, so it would be good to bring them chocolate, cigarettes, and any other packaged food as a bribe. They didn't accept cooked food, fearing it might be poisoned. He told us that the Antonovski bridge was used for military convoys. So if such a convoy was on the bridge and a civilian car appeared from the opposite direction, they wouldn't wait and would shoot at it without warning. We put white blankets on our car to signal that we were civilians and decided to leave. Grandma came outside and prayed for us. It seemed like a farewell forever. We were the first ones from the village leaving, and we didn't know what to expect on the road. In the car, I held my child in my arms. I didn't put him in the special seat because I thought that if something happened, I could quickly open the door and run with him in my arms. I couldn't look out the windows. The streets I knew had disappeared; I didn't recognize anything. That reality was completely different from what it had been before."

Tetiana told me about moments when, seeing Russian convoys approaching from the opposite direction, they would run out of the car and hide in ditches in the field. Then they reached the checkpoint, where they were thoroughly checked. They reached Herson and spent a few days at home, but even the city was not safe. In just over two months, they changed shelters 17 times. "After the war started, I thought about what we truly own in this life. And my answer is that I only have what I hold in my hands right now. Everything you leave behind, thinking you'll come back, no longer belongs to you. For me, these possessions were my child and a suitcase."

When they decided to head west in Ukraine, especially because of their son's health problems, they had two options: through Crimea, now part of Russia, or through Ukraine. But her husband refused to enter Russian territory, so they set off for Nikolaiev. They had no luggage because the story they prepared to tell the Russian soldiers was that they were just going shopping for the child, and then they would return. And they didn't want to raise any suspicions. She then tells me about a young woman she knew from childhood - she set out without asking for information, so she, her father, and her son were killed in the car. That's why it was so important to be informed about what you can or cannot do, which roads to avoid, or how to react at checkpoints.

"In Nikolaiev, I didn't recognize anything from what the city had been before, only ruins, burnt cars, and disaster. I was paralyzed with fear after an 8-hour journey, during which I had the constant reflex to vomit, except I had nothing to vomit because I hadn't eaten."

Later, Tetiana moved with her youngest son to Germany, and her husband stayed in Kiev. She wants to return to Ukraine because her son misses his father: "He sits in bed in the evening and caresses my cheek, whispering softly: 'Mom, mom.' Then he turns and caresses the pillow, and I hear him saying, 'Dad, dad.'

My story is the story of ordinary people in Ukraine who worked and peacefully lived their lives..." Tetiana's eyes are full of tears.