Phoenix

A veil of silence fell over us, and no one dared to lift it. "I took my daughters and went to western Ukraine. On March 19, 2022, the Russian army came to my parents' house. Fifteen soldiers approached, and three of them entered the yard. My dad sent my mom to my grandparents' house, and he shot a Russian soldier who had entered the house and two more outside, then managed to escape and hide." I can't believe what I'm hearing, so I ask additional questions. Yuliia confirms that her father was a policeman so he had the necessary training for combat. "When they saw they couldn't catch my dad, the Russians started firing at my grandparents' house, where my mom had taken refuge. They forcibly took her out and started beating her to find out where my dad was hiding. Mom didn't tell them anything, so they put a sack over her head and took her captive."

Later, they found out that all the people in the village were terrified and afraid to help, so her father had fled to Kharkiv wearing only casual clothes and slippers and taking a gun. For four days, Yuliia knew nothing about him, whether he was alive or not. After a few days, she received a call from an unknown number. It was from her father. During this time, Yuliia made desperate attempts to find her mother, about whom she knew nothing. Her father was supposed to join them in western Ukraine because he wasn't accepted into the army due to his age. The woman in front of me speaks almost in a whisper. Long pauses fall between us, and Yuliia seems to gather her strength to continue the story. She doesn't remember the exact periods and sequence of events due to emotional trauma and stress. "I think my dad stayed with us for about a week, and for 2 days, he was at the recruitment center. He wanted to enlist in the detachment fighting in Kharkiv to look for my mom."

Shortly afterward, Yuliia's mother was released. "Mom was left at home in a very bad state. She had been interrogated, beaten, and all her teeth were broken. She hadn't been allowed to sleep for 5 days."

Yuliia's story is heavy, like a blanket that drapes over us, leaving us almost breathless and without light. They managed to bring her mother to western Ukraine, and she is still undergoing medical treatment due to what happened during her detention. In early June, they returned to Kharkiv, but the bombings continued, forcing Yuliia and her daughters to descend into the basement several times a day for shelter. "Mom couldn't come into enclosed spaces. She had panic attacks, so after two weeks, we had to leave again." The nightmare her mother went through is still vivid and seems to permeate every level of their lives.

"We left for Lviv with two suitcases of clothes and no money. Everything we had before was destroyed, burned..."

Yuliia tells me that two days ago, her father informed her that he would return to the front. He had been granted leave in December 2022, after turning 60, but now he wanted to fight again. I now understand the despair in her voice better, and it seems like all the pieces of this experience are coming together, giving rise to a painful image.

"I can't work because of the trauma's effects"—in situations where she needs to concentrate, or feels stress, she can't see anything, literally. Her brain blocks any image and leaves her in darkness - Psychosomatic Anxiety, specialists call it. This has been the reality of her life in the past few months -  unable to work but ashamed to ask for help.

She shows me photos, images of her parents' and grandparents' homes, and I see fragments of my own childhood there. Then, the spark of joy from cherished memories fades because the photo changes and on the screen appears the current image: blackened ruins, riddled with bullet holes, hungry for the places where bullets bit. Her life and the lives of her loved ones, a recognizable past of millions of people, consumed by the flames of war.

I embrace Yuliia desperately and struggle to let her go from my arms. I wish I could hold her, protect her, offer her at least a drop of goodness. I can't. Yuliia leaves the room, but she remains in my heart and thoughts.